Sean "Diddy" Combs and I first met during the brisk autumn of 1978.
We were classmates together at the Dunham School for Young Men, located in northern Rhode Island, and we quickly became close friends. I tutored Diddy in Geometry and Grammar, and he taught me how to fire a rifle. Although we drifted apart through the years, we still occasionally send handwritten letters to one another, written on delicate parchment paper and sealed with wax.
I am proud of Diddy and of all his recent success. However, it hurts me deeply to see him maligned in the press. Criminal charges seem to haunt him, and the media enjoys slandering him viciously with blatant lies, obviously jealous of his enormous success. With that in mind, I've decided to write something to clear away the rumors surrounding my best friend Diddy, and to hopefully set the record straight.
1. Many people are aware that Diddy is an established record producer, clothing designer, and rapper, but were you aware that Diddy is also an established inventor? This is true. To this day, Diddy holds the patents for the following items: the pneumatic drill, the bionic leg, the men's overcoat, mustard gas, the phonograph, the bolt-action rifle, the CAT scan machine, and the hologram. Also, he is responsible for inventing the remix.
2. You probably already know that Diddy changes his name every six years. Previously, he has been known as "Puffy", "Puff Daddy", and "P. Diddy". But did you know that every time Diddy changes his name, he also sheds his outer layer of skin, and eats it for nourishment? This is true.
3. Diddy cannot be killed by conventional weapons. During our brief time together in '78, I personally saw him shot, stabbed, hung, and burned, all to no avail. This is because Diddy is what's known as a "Highlander"; a race of immortals who wander the earth, cutting off the heads of other Highlanders in order to absorb their power. Not only is he a "bad boy for life"; he's a bad boy for the length of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of lives.At this point in time, Diddy is one of two remaining Highlanders; the other being former "Cheers" star John Ratzenberger. The two wander the earth; one endlessly lending his voice to Pixar films, the other endlessly selling Pro-Active, both waiting for the inevitable battle. After all, there can be only one.
4. Diddy's favorite food? Gumballs. In fact, Diddy love gumballs more than anything else: more than winning a Grammy, more than Sean John, even more than making someone walk ten thousand miles to get him a cheesecake. His payment for appearing on the "Godzilla" soundtrack was a crate of ten thousand gumballs, delivered by Godzilla himself. This is true.
5. Diddy does, in fact, "run the city", but this accomplishment is much more incredible when you realize that Diddy actually doesn't have any legs; he lost them to an advanced strain of Polio in the early 90's. But Polio cannot stop a man like Diddy; he spent years inventing himself a pair of bionic legs, and once they were completed, he ran the New York marathon to celebrate.
6. Diddy loves memorializing dead people. His song "I'll Be Missing You" paid tribute to the fallen Notorious B.I.G., and then was later reprised to pay tribute to Princess Diana. But were you aware that Diddy killed them both? This is true; every time Diddy's career begins to slump, he kills someone famous then mourns their loss with a song about their death. He used a hit squad to murder Biggie and later got rid of Diana with his army of robotic paparazzi. This is true.
I've repeatedly offered to give my life to Diddy, to jump into a volcano in order to provide him with more fodder for his songs, but Diddy has refused. Why? Because according to Diddy, I am "not famous enough", and "nothing rhymes with 'Volcano'".
So, in conclusion, I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions you may have had regarding my best friend Diddy. It's my greatest hope that every time you bite into a gumball, or the next time you get a CAT scan, you'll think of Diddy...and smile.
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