"WILD WILD WEST": AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS

It's time to ring in the New Year early by celebrating the ten-year anniversary of a magnum opus!

That's right, everyone! I refer, of course, to Will Smith's instant mega-classic "Wild Wild West"! So join me as we take a bizarre, seven minute excursion into the pointless frivolity of Hollywood excess!

NOTABLE MOMENTS:

0:03- "Oh thank God, it was just a dream! I had a horrible nightmare that I was the star of a shitty movie with Kevin Kline, and we were both cowboys, and...oh sweet Jesus, the nightmare continues."

0:20- "You're sweaty...I'll get you a towel". This might be me, but perhaps Will Smith is sweaty because of the eighteen thousand candles in the room.

0:41- I just realized that we're nearly forty seconds in, and not a single bar of that sweet, sweet music has hit my ears. Is this even a music video? Did Will Smith somehow trick me into watching a direct-to-DVD sequel?

1:00- Notice the blazing fires surrounding Will Smith as he raps. Undoubtedly, his penchant for being surrounded by hundreds of candles has destroyed an entire old-timey town.

1:23- Hey! It's Kool Moe Dee! At least Will Smith is giving him a cameo, y'know, since he pretty much stole this entire song from him. But damn, he looks swell in a cowboy hat.

1:25- Check out Will Smith's sassy shoulder lean!

1:31- Will Smith, rapping in front of a gigantic flaming "W", while dressed as a cowboy. The only thing I love more than this video is nothing. Also, isn't he supposed to be saving Salma Hayek or something?

1:46- Just when things simply cannot get any better/more ridiculous, Sisqó appears! And he's singing the hook inside what looks like the mechanical inner-workings of a a giant cuckoo clock! And he's wearing leather chaps, a fedora, and a leather vest with nothing underneath!

2:48- The ballroom scene features possibly the most awesomest assemblage of celebrity cameos in a single music video. Enrique Iglesias, playing some sort of prince! Babyface in a top hat! Stevie Wonder, who, sadly enough, will never be able to watch this video and realize how ridiculous it is! And most importantly, Alfonso "Carlton" Ribeiro.

3:09-3:28 This is the best part.

3:47- If I was a Make-A-Wish kid, my only wish would involve the staging of an elaborate performance of this dance, with me taking Will's place. Worth it?

4:13- Okay, settle a bet for me. Is this really Kenneth Branagh reprising his role as Dr. Loveless? Or is it just a guy that looks like Branagh from the back? Because, honestly, who would refuse to be in this music video?

6:04- Just when the cinematic rescue sequence gets boring (and, frankly, starts to feel like the movie), Sisqó's back! And he's taking that vest off! Looks like we're going straight to the Wild Wild Chest...of Sisqó!

I hope that's the first horrible joke you hear in 2009. Happy New Year.