SONG OF THE DAY: PITBULL FT. LIL' JOHN, "KRAZY"

"Krazy" is actually a pretty horrible song. That doesn't stop me from loving the shit out of it, though.

Literally, the first part of the chorus contains this priceless gem: "Latinas they get crazy/Blanquitas they get crazy/Negritas they get crazy." What, pray tell, is a "blanquita"? Is it a tropical fruit? Is it the horrible yellow drink they keep trying to sell to me at the Filipino market? That's exactly the point, my friend. In order to understand this, you have to be krazy!

From there, the song descends into a bizarre rap song about a Sliders-like parallel universe where Kanye has "no style", Katt Williams has no "jokes" (i.e. anecdotes about pimps), and M.C. Hammer is "still rich, not broke." Really, Pitbull? You're talking shit about M.C. Hammer? Seriously, that guy's been through enough. I mean, really, given our current economic situation, I think you could muster up a little sympathy for a guy who previously rode in carriages made out of dinosaur eggs and fist-size rubies, only to loose it all to the cold embrace of bankruptcy.

Anyway, listening to this song is like huffing paint-thinner while someone pours an energy drink into your ears. If you can convince a girl to have sex with you while this song is playing, I'll personally give you fourteen dollars.

Blanquita.

BONUS QUESTION: Who can wear top hats better...Lil' Jon or T-Pain?

COME ELECTION DAY

You know what's fucking stupid? By voting early through the mail like a really responsible, forward-thinking fellow, I am deprived the pleasure of receiving a "I VOTED" sticker come Election Day.

Doesn't that suck?

I mean, come Election Day, I'm going to be hanging out with my co-workers, my friends, my family...all of whom will be proudly wearing "I VOTED" stickers. My co-workers will inquire why I didn't briefly leave to visit my polling station. I'll feebly claim that I voted weeks ago, and these claims will be rebuked with scoffs and throat-clearings. "Where's your sticker?" some mouth-breather will invariably ask.

I live in a red state. I live in John McCain's fucking hometown. I realize that my one vote for Obama isn't exactly going to sway the election. I mean, fuck, there's no way Obama is winning Arizona so it's a pretty futile gesture.

Here's what I'm saying: basically, the only reason I'm casting a vote is to receive a sticker. If you want me to do something demeaning or time-consuming or worthless, offer me a goddamn sticker, and I'll do it in a heartbeat. Ideally, the early ballot should come with a sheet of "I VOTED" stickers that I could put on my shirt and my car and my forehead. Maybe even throw in some Dora the Explorer stickers for good measure.

If only there was a prop I could vote for that would make this gilded dream a reality.

POSSIBLE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES I'M CONSIDERING IN ORDER TO RUIN YOUR HALLOWEEN PARTY

COSTUME IDEA #1:
-As "Boy With Diabetes", I will attend your Halloween party in character as a fourth-grade child named Doug who has been recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I'll act tired and lethargic, and longingly stare that the Reese's Pieces and Bit O' Honeys I'm no longer capable of eating. Also, every half hour I'll ask a different party-attendee to help me take my blood sugar while I audibly sigh. A lot.

Necessary Equipment: Insulin, Portable Blood Tests, and a frown.

COSTUME IDEA #2:
-More of a "performance art piece" than a "costume", this idea involves me dressing up as Lee Harvey Oswald and a confederate of mine dressing up as Jack Ruby. As "Lee Harvey", I will arrive at your Halloween party at a predetermined time, and upon my arrival, "Jack Ruby" will jump out of the crowd and promptly shoot me in the stomach.

I will lay on the ground for five minutes, after which I will get up, leave the party, re-enter, and once again immediately receive a bullet in the gut from "Jack Ruby". This will be repeated until A) we run out of fake bullets and blood capsules, or B) you ask us to leave.

Necessary Equipment: Fedoras, a greasy pistol, and a photographer to capture the moment with an old-timey flashbulb camera.

COSTUME IDEA #3:
As "The Vegan Hamburglar", I will portray a version of the popular McDonald's burger-thief who's been forced to give up his carnivorous lifestyle after increasingly high cholesterol and a double-bypass.

For the first half of your Halloween party, I will beg forgiveness from guests for my criminal cheeseburger-stealing past. I'll advocate healthy living and exercise, and in order to demonstrate all the weight I've lost, I'll hold up an oversized pair of striped black-and-white pants next to my new svelte waist.

Things will be going well until another guest enters dressed as Mayor McCheese (who will, of course, be another one of my confederates). I will begin drinking heavily, and after mumbling to myself for a half-hour, I will tackle "Mayor McCheese", hold a knife to his throat, and begin chewing on his foam-rubber head while crying beef-scented tears.

Necessary Equipment: A sense of self-loathing.

COSTUME IDEA #4:
I will dress up as Paris Hilton's Singing Vagina. This is fairly self-explanatory.

Necessary Equipment: Lots of paper mache, a talented ventriloquist, and a photographer to capture the moment with a grainy night-vision camera.

BUILDING MY MULTIMEDIA EMPIRE

You know what?

I don't post videos because I'm looking to share them, nor because I'm trying to spread these great things to my friends. Nope. I simply post videos here because I am lazy, and it's a lot easier to watch them from this blog than going through the excruciating tedium of actually going to Hulu again and again, searching and typing and clicking until my fingers bleed.

But with that out of the way, these sketches are really funny. If you haven't seen them, watch them now. If you have seen them, watch them again.

QUESTION: Is it just me, or is SNL better than it has been in a really long time? I mean, I've not only watched the last three episodes, but I've planned my Saturday around them.

OTHER QUESTION: Don't you think Andy and Kristin are the strongest cast members right now? Especially Kristin. She's adorable.

DISCUSS.

TONIGHT, I APPLIED FOR A JOB...

...simply because one of the perks is a "free on-site masseuse."

I would get absolutely nothing done.

Fingers crossed.