"WILD WILD WEST": AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS

It's time to ring in the New Year early by celebrating the ten-year anniversary of a magnum opus!

That's right, everyone! I refer, of course, to Will Smith's instant mega-classic "Wild Wild West"! So join me as we take a bizarre, seven minute excursion into the pointless frivolity of Hollywood excess!

NOTABLE MOMENTS:

0:03- "Oh thank God, it was just a dream! I had a horrible nightmare that I was the star of a shitty movie with Kevin Kline, and we were both cowboys, and...oh sweet Jesus, the nightmare continues."

0:20- "You're sweaty...I'll get you a towel". This might be me, but perhaps Will Smith is sweaty because of the eighteen thousand candles in the room.

0:41- I just realized that we're nearly forty seconds in, and not a single bar of that sweet, sweet music has hit my ears. Is this even a music video? Did Will Smith somehow trick me into watching a direct-to-DVD sequel?

1:00- Notice the blazing fires surrounding Will Smith as he raps. Undoubtedly, his penchant for being surrounded by hundreds of candles has destroyed an entire old-timey town.

1:23- Hey! It's Kool Moe Dee! At least Will Smith is giving him a cameo, y'know, since he pretty much stole this entire song from him. But damn, he looks swell in a cowboy hat.

1:25- Check out Will Smith's sassy shoulder lean!

1:31- Will Smith, rapping in front of a gigantic flaming "W", while dressed as a cowboy. The only thing I love more than this video is nothing. Also, isn't he supposed to be saving Salma Hayek or something?

1:46- Just when things simply cannot get any better/more ridiculous, Sisqó appears! And he's singing the hook inside what looks like the mechanical inner-workings of a a giant cuckoo clock! And he's wearing leather chaps, a fedora, and a leather vest with nothing underneath!

2:48- The ballroom scene features possibly the most awesomest assemblage of celebrity cameos in a single music video. Enrique Iglesias, playing some sort of prince! Babyface in a top hat! Stevie Wonder, who, sadly enough, will never be able to watch this video and realize how ridiculous it is! And most importantly, Alfonso "Carlton" Ribeiro.

3:09-3:28 This is the best part.

3:47- If I was a Make-A-Wish kid, my only wish would involve the staging of an elaborate performance of this dance, with me taking Will's place. Worth it?

4:13- Okay, settle a bet for me. Is this really Kenneth Branagh reprising his role as Dr. Loveless? Or is it just a guy that looks like Branagh from the back? Because, honestly, who would refuse to be in this music video?

6:04- Just when the cinematic rescue sequence gets boring (and, frankly, starts to feel like the movie), Sisqó's back! And he's taking that vest off! Looks like we're going straight to the Wild Wild Chest...of Sisqó!

I hope that's the first horrible joke you hear in 2009. Happy New Year.

SOMETIMES "THE FOUNTAINHEAD" READS LIKE A COMEDY

"Howard's a friend of mine," he said happily.

"A friend of yours? You know him?"

"Do I know him! Why, we went to school together- Stanton, you know- why, he lived at our house for three years, I can tell you the color of his underwear and how he takes a shower-I've seen him!"

LOLZ.

MY PROBLEM WITH "GREASE"

There are very view movie-musicals that I begrudgingly respect, and Grease is indeed one of them. However, this limited respect gets totally obliterated by the film's final scene:

During "You're the One That I Want", our hero Danny dresses like a jock in order to impress Sandy, and Sandy dresses like some weird Van-Halenesqe whore to give Danny an erection (and she smokes cigarettes, too!).

This transitions into the big showstopper "We Go Together": a wonderful "Gift of the Magi" song-and-dance number where our heroes realize they don't need to change in order to be loved, and they were indeed meant to be together. Conflicts are resolved. Hundreds of extras dance in front of a carnival backdrop. So far, so good.

And then, Sandy and Danny fly away in a magical flying car. And that's seriously the end of the movie.

I've got a couple of problems with this.

First of all, no one is even remotely surprised when the car suddenly starts to fly. Sandy gleefuly waves goodbye to everyone, and the look on her face totally says, "thank god I finally get to ride in this magical flying car I've heard so much about!"

But if all the characters knew about the flying car the entire time, why does it only appear in the final thirty seconds of the film? Let's face it: a car that can actually fly is much, much more interesting than a tale of impossible, torrid love between two teenagers in the 1950s. It's not even close.

Think back, and imagine how previous scenes of the film would have been vastly different had this flying car been acknowledged and utilized.

"Summer Lovin'" wouldn't have been about "summer dreams, ripped at the seams"; it would have instead been about a long-distance relationship made possible through the magic of a flying car.

Oh, and that car race that happens in the middle of the film? Doesn't even feature the flying car. Not even for a second.

This massive oversight enrages me, and will continue to do so until the release of Grease 3: The Continued Adventures of That Wacky Flying Car.

"SWALLOWED"

THE WHITE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

It's really hard to pick gifts for: a) total strangers, b) normal people, and c) people I have no sympathy/empathy for. This was why I failed at my work's "White Elephant" gift exchange, held at (of course) Dave and Buster's.

While picking out my gift (in a Walgreens, ten minutes before the gift exchange was scheduled to begin) I frantically wondered "what is the perfect gift?" What is something everyone gets excited about? What is coveted by all people of the world, everywhere?

Answer: the Mini Robosapien.

Everyone loves robots, right? Doesn't everyone love toys? Things that light up? Doesn't everyone love things that walk in a jerky, mechanical fashion? Honestly, I thought this was going to be a slam dunk. Two plus two is four, gravity makes stuff fall down, and everyone loves robots; these truths are self-evident.

Cut to the gift exchange twenty minutes later. People are starting to unwrap gifts, and much to my surprise, none of them are robot-related. Lots of tins of chocolate. Cans of roasted nuts. I see at least two porcelain angels, and I'm thinking, "thank God...I was worried everyone was going to stumble on the obvious idea of the Mini Robosapien."

Then, I look at all of my co-workers, and mentally note that most of them are approximately 20-40 years older than I am. And I'm looking at all the gifts that have been unwrapped, and I'm thinking, "Oh, shit...these are normal holiday gifts. These are gifts that older, normal people give to other old normal people. This is definitely not a Mini Robosapien crowd."

And then poor old Kevin reaches for my gift. Kevin: his sizable paunch tightly packed in a salmon-colored shirt complete with red and green suspenders, sitting next to a woman that he's repeatedly assured me is "just a friend"; Kevin: who is definitely in his early sixties and wearing thick glasses that make his eyes look like they're staring through a fishbowl, especially when he blinks, and he's always, always blinking, like he's a hostage trying to signal for help via eyelid Morse Code.

And Kevin unwraps my gift, and I can actually see all of his Christmas spirit die within six seconds.

Kevin doesn't even have any grandkids to pawn my Mini Robosapien off on. He looks around to see if anyone is watching and manages a couple of fake laughs, but his crushing disappointment is fairly obvious. He looks around at other people's gifts; gifts that should've been his. His eyelids blink out a distress signal, and, in my mind's eye, a couple of tears.

I would've traded him my box of chocolates, but he left the party fairly quickly. It's a shame. I'm not even going to eat the chocolates.

The divide between co-workers (i.e. "normal people") and I: growing exponentially.

Is this a bad thing?

MIXTAPE OF THE NIGHT: "MIXTAPE ABOUT NOTHING"

How is Wale not already successful?

Seriously, my friends. It seems like he's been billed "the next big thing" for oh, three years or so, but casually dropping his name in conversation results in blank stares. After his song "Nike Boots", I thought he was going blow up. After his mixtape "100 Miles and Running", I thought he was going to blow up. After "W.A.L.E.D.A.N.C.E.", I thought he was going to blow up like a national landmark in Independence Day. Bottom line is this: dude's been knocking 'em out of the park for a while, but nobody's keeping score.

But oh man. All those previously listed achievements are nothing compared to this summer's "The Mixtape About Nothing"; mainly because Wale's lyrical skills and Best Kept Secret's production continue to get better and better, but also because it's a mixtape about "Seinfeld". Seriously.

Everything works: the naming conventions, the intro/outro, the casual sampling of "Seinfeld" dialogue...a mixtape based upon a tv show that ended production ten years ago should fail miserably, but it doesn't. This inspires me to finally finish recording my "Night Court" album asap.

SICKEST VERSE:
I'm the best, even when I'm cynical
angle these beats like a pentagon
whenever my pen is on
ain't nothin' here minimal
countin' my bread
my account, like a brunch at a synagogue.
get it y'all? that's a whole lotta bagels
see me out the bay with san quentin in a beige coupe
a very bad man, you can ask babu
i get seinfeld with these rhyme skills
i'm larry david, gimme my paper
this'll cost mo like jerry sein's neighbor
my cost stanzas stand like phantoms or maybacks
you won't get elaine if you came wack
i hate rap like kramer hates blacks.

Listen to this mixtape here.
Download this mixtape for free over here.

And judging from Wale's success with a themed mix, I honestly hope/fear that he's currently working on another one: